Gratitude and grief

Yuka Yamazaki, Unsplash

​​“Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”

Colossians 3:16–17, ESV

Do you ever find it hard to be grateful? Like you want to be able to recognize the gifts that God has given you, and you know you are supposed to be grateful, yet it feels like there is something in the way? And then when you don't feel grateful, it gets compounded because then you feel guilty?

I’ve had a number of conversations with several people lately surrounding this struggle with gratitude. They feel like they should be thankful, and the practice of cultivating gratitude may be a part of their lives, but all of a sudden it somehow seems harder to express than it used to, and their heart just doesn't feel it. Gratitude becomes distant or unattached, even forced. When we come to this realization, our knee jerk reaction is to double down on our efforts, especially during seasons like Thanksgiving: I WILL write in a gratitude journal everyday. I WILL be grateful for things, even in the midst of difficult circumstances. Trying to come up with a list of things to be thankful for feels a bit like hand-me-down clothes--they don't quite fit, and I can tell that they aren't mine.

I have both received and given the advice of creating a gratitude journal in seasons when gratitude just doesn’t come naturally. And there is genuine wisdom in that advice, because gratitude is a cultivated habit. The more we intentionally pursue gratitude, the more naturally it becomes a part of us. When we slow down and pay attention, we start to notice many good, simple things that are so easy to miss. I don't want to write that advice off, because it’s helped me--and I’m guessing, many of you--but I think there may be something we’re missing in such a practice:

Sometimes we struggle with gratitude because we haven't adequately grieved. 

More specifically, sometimes we haven’t grieved unmet expectations. The loss of hopes that have gone unfulfilled, of longings that are still lingering, of dreams that may never become reality.

Our loss of expectations are harder to notice because they are internal and can feel abstract or intangible. Many times, such expectations are never even articulated, and we only notice them when they are somehow broken.  We are left disappointed and despondent, but because we never fully processed the expectation or hope itself, we may not actually grieve it very well when what we hoped for doesn’t happen. 

There is an interesting connection between gratitude and grief. In my experience, they often go hand-in-hand. In order to enter into gratitude, sometimes we have to start by bringing our grief to the presence of the Lord. Fortunately, we have a God who welcomes this kind of raw posture. 

Psalm 13 always stands out to me in highlighting this dynamic tension between grief and gratitude. The Psalmist cries out to God, lamenting his external circumstances, his internal anxieties, and his perceived distance from the Lord. He feels free to express these to God and asks bold questions: “How Long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?... How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day long?”  We may not have all the details surrounding David’s circumstances that led to the writing of this psalm, but it’s easy enough to perceive that he’s grieving, and he feels enough freedom to come before God just as he is. There’s no forcing of gratitude or praise; he begins his prayer in lament first.

As he moves through his grief, though, David ends the psalm expressing gratitude: “my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord.” Rejoicing and singing are expressions of a grateful soul (see Col 3:17 above), but sometimes they are born out of grief. We can hold both together at the same time. The Lord Himself knows this part of the human experience, and he invites us to grieve in His presence with the same freedom as David. 

How about for you? Does grieving unmet expectations resonate in seasons when thankfulness is difficult? How have you experienced grief and gratitude being linked together? Are there things in your life that you might need to grief more fully in order to enter into gratitude?

As you celebrate Thanksgiving this week, my prayer is that you’re able to hold your grief as honestly before the Lord as you hold your gratitude. I’m certain He’ll meet you there with His grace in abundance.